A Letter to 15-year-old Mad Mike

Okay, recently I was helping Miss Ashley Hoover pick out a song for her father's wedding and in doing so it brought me back many years (roughly 10 to be exact) in some of the songs I was looking at/listening to on my iPod. That and I've been watching a lot of Heroes time traveling stuff, Back to the Future, Bill and Ted, and just realized that ten years ago today...I was just starting high school. (Yes, that is a very scary thought for me) So I decided to take what I know now and sort of write a letter to my 15 year old self.

Dear Mike,

Okay now I know you will never get to read this because even if by some form of crazy Disney-esque time travel internet device, this letter makes its way to that crappy little computer loaded with Virtual Simpsons, you'll be too busy making fun of people in AOL Chat rooms to notice...but here goes nothing.

Okay let's face facts...grade school pretty much sucked for you man. Don't get mad, it sucked for most people. Granted you may not realize that now, but you will in time...trust me I know, I've asked around. Now I'm gonna get this out in the open now, some things I can tell you are gonna make you upset, some things are going to make you happy, and some things you're not going to be able to change....well at least not yet. I'm still waiting for the letter from 35-year-old Mike, I assume he has the technology in 2018, unless again the Jetsons have lied to us.

First, I'm going to get something out of the way that will cheer you up, because I know your situation with the ladies isn't really that great, you will lose your virginity by age 20. Breathe easy boy, and you're better at it than you think you will be. At least as far as I know. By the way, in case I forget...start writing more, maybe try the newspaper at Lourdes, it will lead you to some interesting places. But yeah so as far as women go, some things will improve but I'm sorry to say not for a while. You're gonna go through a lot of heartbreak and heartache. It sucks but trust me you are better off in the long run, I've seen what some of the crushes you have now have become. However there are somethings that won't change, or at least haven't yet. You still fall hard and fall fast for some women, usually very unavailable, and yes they will eventually become some of your best friends. One of the things I did inherit from you is your residency in the friend zone...don't worry I've moved some of my stuff out, but I'm still crashing there a lot. Just keep your chin up boy, remember nice guys don't finish last....it's just a longer race for us.

Okay moving on to other things, keep in mind that at least 90% of the people you are about to meet in high school you will never hear from again after college. Don't let them know this, it would just upset them especially when they all write KIT in your yearbook and write their numbers or say "we'll chill this summer." Yeah, it's all posturing bullshit...but at least the sentiment is nice. So while you're there try some new things, I mean they are supposed to be the best years of your life...may as well enjoy them. Some things are going to take their natural course, like Dad forcing you to get a job....but don't worry it's an awesome one. You'll like it, definitely better than CYO Basketball snackroom boy. If I were you I'd give sports a try, not track and field I mean let's be realistic here. But give soccer and basketball a try....hell maybe even football, everyone always tells me I'm built like a lineman, and I know you are too.

Also, sorry man, this is going to hurt.....you gotta change that hair. The "flap" isn't really the "it" style anymore, it's holding you back if anything. Regardless of what Mom says, the hair looks much better short...and the ladies love it. Also as far as clothes go, I'd throw out anything that has any sort of shiny aspect to it. Yes I know you love your Dragonball Z silky button down shirt with Goku on it...but trust me on this one, reserve it for geekfests only. Oh yeah, one more thing...corduroy does not look good on us. Yeah...really.

College is a different story though, though a lot of it seems like high school with booze and no dress code, it really is a much different experience. First off...yes you drink. You like to drink...sometimes a lot. And when someone later in life mentions a fishbowl, do not turn it down. It is nectar of gods. And yes there are some people that like wrestling there and dare I say will watch it with you. Also again...stick with the newspaper thing, it will serve you well in the long run, probably the reason I'm actually writing this letter to you right now. Your friends in college are a lot different from your friends in high school, you do hang out with much more of them even after you all move to various parts of the five boroughs and beyond. By the way, you do live in New York City, and your place is awesome. College is a lot tougher than high school academic-wise so ease up on the video games a bit...or at least attempt to. But overall, I'd say it's a rewarding experience. I've certainly learned a lot about myself and I am imparting this knowledge onto you...though by the time you actually do get to write this, it will all be too late again. But I think I've let out enough spoilers for you, however I'll leave you with a few little nuggets of info, especially things you may be confused about.

If you ever need help with anything, Mom and Dad will always be there for you.
Erika becomes less annoying over time...kinda.
Women become more confusing over time.
Don't resort to violence in living situations...remember just outwit them with your cunning and razor wit.
You still have your razor wit...just don't laugh at your own material.
Masturbating does not make you go blind.
Go to Pittsburgh when the time is right, there are some amazing people there.
What happens in Vegas, becomes stories of legend...despite what you may have heard.
Stop worrying about prom nights, very overrated if you ask me.
Don't drink rum...stick with vodka.
Calling someone "sir" is now no longer simply a sign of respect.
I'm still a relatively happy, well adjusted man, so you aren't screwing things up too much...no matter how hard it seems sometimes.
Wear sunscreen. (this is a joke you'll get by the time you're a senior)

And well this one is something I'm still trying to do myself....if you feel something, express it. Don't hold it inside, don't wait, don't let the moment pass you by, because sometimes Mike....you'll never get another shot at that moment, and you'll never know what could have happened.

Take care of myself Mike. See me in ten years.

-You