I don't understand sports movies sometimes Pt. 1

I call this part one because I'm sure not how many parts I'm going to do of this...but it is something I'm probably going to end up doing more than once. But I watch a lot of sports movies, currently The Waterboy is ending right now, case in point. And I'd like to think of myself as a pretty decent sports fan, not an aficionado of any kind, but I'm relatively active in the pro sporting world...and yet some things sports movies just plain baffle me. This series of blogs will be exploring the minutia of pop culture stuff I love to pick apart.

1) Luis Mendoza is a horrible hockey player, and a horrible human being.



Now granted, I'm new to the sport of hockey just recently watching it now (Go Pens) but I'm an expert at the Might Ducks movies. Now the first Mighty Ducks movies, the kids were not expected to be talented, and most of them weren't as evidenced by the fact that they axed a lot of kids without any explanation (i.e. Jesse's brother and Little Pete). But the second movie was when the Ducks were given an influx of so-called "ringers." Now I have no issues with the smoking hot Julie "The Cat", the enforcer Portman, the puck-wrangler Dwayne, or even Mr. spinny-flippy Ken Wu...but Luis Mendoza, he's an issue.

The man could not stop in a fast break on skates. Now the very few times I've been ice skating in my life, I have realized that stopping is a very important aspect of the sport, especially in hockey. There is no way that he should be considered a "ringer" if the man can't stop. And despite his shortcomings the one time he does stop, he sprays so much ice in the face of the goalie that it could be counted as interference. Mighty Ducks 3 only explains the horribleness of Mendoza further, as he has apparently not only forgotten how to stop (way to go Coach Orion) but scams on a varsity player's girlfriend and just shrugs it off with "Our little secret". If the boyfriend had done something openly horrible to his girl I can accept that, because that's the movies...but no, Mendoza probably just said he was in Menudo and broke up what appeared to be a perfectly happy relationship. So, in short, fuck you Luis Mendoza.

2) The Rick Vaughn situation

Pitcher characters in sports movies have always been somewhat of a mystery to me. It seems like every time a pitcher takes the mound in a sports movie, he always pitches complete games and there is literally no bullpen. However, Rick appeared in both of his movies as a starter and as a reliever. I'm not sure if this is a Joba Chamberlain-like scenario, but it can be very confusing for baseball fans who actually watch these movies...or for that matter just take it way too seriously.

Okay well that's all for now, or at least all I can think of right now without getting too wordy.

High School Hearthrobs...

Okay, this is going to be yet another random over assessing pop culture blog posts...so strap in, make sure your tray tables are in their upright and locked position, and the captain has turned on the "being awesome" sign.

I'm sitting here watching the last episode of Saved by the Bell, the Malibu Sands summer, and as the classic early 90s love music kicks in as Zach says goodbye to Stacy and Slater walks off with a young, hot Denise Richards, I'm left to wonder...did either Zach or Slater ever get laid? For that matter did any TV high school hearthrob get laid?

I'm talking Fonzie, Zach Morris, Shawn Hunter, Will Smith, Eddie Winslow and a whole slew of others...we were led to believe that they were the macks of their respective schools and had the girls falling all over them. But it doesn't seem like they ever got more action beyond the no tongue closed mouth kisses we saw on screen.

It's a very odd concept that the illusion these shows tried to create, because in actuality if these guys existed in real high schools, they would probably be crawling with so many diseases it would make Courtney Love blush. Yet it didn't matter how many girls these guys hit on, kissed, asked out, dated, or what have you they were back a week later with a new one.

High school TV sure tried to teach us some weird values.

Anyway for those still playing the little game I mentioned last week, here's another one to crash your internal hard drive. Imagine the country's first black president Mays Gilliam, the evil alien from Men in Black 2, Severus Snape, Frida Calo, independent pornography star Lester The Molester Cocknshtuff, and the Warlock trying to track down Daredevil and Will Hunting all while being thwarted by Earl, his brother Randy, and Rufus, and thus you have a really interesting re imagining of Dogma.

Certainly has been a while...

Okay it's been a while for me since I did this, and to be honest I'm not really sure why. Many blog worthy things have come and gone...I mean hell my last blog was in November. I didn't blog about Christmas, my favorite holiday of the year. I didn't give a recap of 2008. Nothing about the start of the baseball season, or about my awesome last trip to the Burgh. Hell I went to Japan for my 26th birthday and still nothing posted on this site. And yet I'm not sure why I never got around to writing about it.

Actually...I probably do know why, call it writer's block, call it lack of focus, call it pessimism, but honestly...I'm in a rut.

A rut creatively, emotionally, psychologically, financially, pretty much any way I can be in a rut...I am in a rut.

So why the blog post now, you ask? I don't know...I'm sitting here on a Friday night bored as hell watching NCIS, and I need to do something. So here I sit, here I type. Apologies if this isn't exactly the most well thought out or thought provoking blog you've ever read. I'm just I guess trying to get back to doing this because I loved doing it for a while.

You know my folks keep telling me that I need to establish some sort of routine for myself, because they know I'm in a rut too. And to that I say, it's really hard to develop a routine when it's hard enough just to get the motivation to get out of bed and do something every day, especially when you have nothing you have to do.

But I'm trying...I guess. I'm starting out slow if you can call it that, I'm establishing a new workout routine for myself at a new gym. And I have a few people in my life trying to keep my spirits up, but it's really difficult. I mean until I can someone set a balance to my life to where I have some sort of job that I can get a hold of, the overwhelming stench of failure still kinda radiates from me. And I know I'm not the only one with this problem, especially in these times. But is it wrong for me to feel kinda worse when I see friends of mine lose their jobs just like I did, then spring right back to their feet a few weeks later? I mean I wish the very best for all of my friends, but I wish I just had someone, anyone in my life that could relate to me right now. And I don't. As much as everyone is trying to cheer me up, it's usually only temporary because I don't have anyone who really knows how much of a failure I feel like.

It's just hard because there's nothing I can actively do to change my situation. Sure I can send out all the applications in the world, and I can follow up with phone calls, and I can look outside my profession, outside my state, outside any other cities I'd be willing to live in...but ultimately, I don't make the decision. It's all in someone else's hands, and the very few interviews that I have gotten, thought went well and then nothing are like knives all over me. What did I do wrong? Did I not smile enough? Should I have done better in Statics? Did I spit when I talked? Were they looking for someone with a vagina? Someone with darker skin to fill a quota? Is there anything I could have actively changed about myself that would have gotten me a job? I mean is there someone out there who can somehow give me gratification that the past 8 years of my life trying to get my Master's degree wasn't a huge fucking waste of my time?

Ugh. Okay...this is a long post so far, but I'm going to try and cheer myself up by doing what I love to do most...analyzing pop culture WAAAAAY too much.

I was out with a few friends last week and someone made a statement that really got me thinking. Golden Girls is really just an extension of Sex and the City. I mean it makes a lot of sense when you look at it, take Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte give them about 20 years and kill all their husbands, then relocate them to Del Boca Vista and it's basically the same show. Samantha would be Blanche, the sex-crazed one. Charlotte would be Rose, the sweet but scatterbrained one. Carrie would be Sophia and Miranda would be Dorothy. Watch an episode of golden Girls and put the Sex and the City actresses in the roles and it becomes a much weirder show, but still very similar.

Okay one more thing before I start to get into brain mush, I've recently created a new game for myself to make movies I've seen a million times over seem more interesting. Basically I imagine what a film would be like if you took the leads and then replaced them with a role they played in another movie. Okay that even looks confusing reading it, so I'll explain it with an example.

The movie One Fine Day with George Clooney and Michelle Pfeiffer where they are both single parents trying to get through a crazy day in New York City with their kids and end up falling for each other, you all know it and love it. Now let's examine both those actors film histories. Take Clooney who played Batman in the infamous "nipples and codpiece" Batman movie, and take Michelle who played Catwoman in the "hey Christopher Walken's in this one" Batman movie, and now picture "One Fine Day" where the two protagonists are Batman and Catwoman trying to take care of their kids in full costumes in NYC. To me, that makes a much more awesome movie.

Try it yourself and feel free to let me know what kind of crazy shit you come up with. I personally think seeing Tyler Durden, Batman, Ross and Monica's dad, Jason Bourne, and Shawn "Sugar Daddy" Donkey trying to steal money from Terry Benedict far more interesting than Danny Ocean and his crew. Also here's a teriffic visual to leave you on, Heath Ledger's Joker in 10 Things I Hate About You.

I rest my case.

Keep on, keeping on people.

Friday 5: The H without the 5 W's

1. How’s your health?

Health is pretty good, I mean I could stand to lose a little weight, but I could sit to not do so also

2. How was your day?

Not too bad today actually, went to Buffalo Wild Wings, saw Wall.E (amazing film btw), and played mario party

3. How’s the weather?

Cold, but I'd like a little snow

4. How do you expect to get anywhere in life with an attitude like that?

That's awfully judgmental for a third person omniscient

5. How many people made you smile today?

Probably three or four :)

I'm Drinking and Blogging...this should get interesting

Okay apologies in advance, because this could perhaps be very long winded and at some points very heavy. I'm warning you now, if that isn't your sort of deal, you may as well stop reading now. Because it's not been a good couple of weeks and now that I'm drinking...verbal diarrhea is to follow.

Well it's officially been over three months since I was laid off, and let me tell you I probably couldn't have "picked" a worse time to get laid off. You know when I said I was sort of looking forward to some time off? Guess what? I've had enough time off, and it's finally settling in that this is really the first time I've ever had no true form of income. I've probably sent out about a hundred resumes and have barely heard a sniff out of it. Save for a potential interview in the Burgh and a potential interview in middle Jersey, I feel like every time I send out a resume it's just like I'm back in the 7th grade parties asking girls to dance. Failure every time.

I mean granted I know I could be a lot worse off. I know there are hundreds of thousands of people in this country, and millions in this world who don't have it nearly as good as I do. I still have my health, I still have a whole bunch of great friends, I still have some money saved in the bank (granted its slowly depleting but some), and my folks still back me up with anything I could need help with. But at the same time its just incredibly frustrating to know, that the seven years I spent busting my ass, pulling all nighters, sacrificing myself and my life, to get two pieces of paper that no one will even give a second glance to.

I know its just a matter of time and I should sit and be patient. But my patience is wearing thin, and waiting is getting harder and harder. My sleep habits are getting worse and I feel more and more like a failure every day.

It's almost the same as my personal life...but that's another blog I guess, two bottles of wine are gone, it's 4:12 so I just sent Ashley a wake up text, and I should get to my usual routine of laying in bed for an hour and a half trying to sleep.

I just want to be happy, is that so much to ask?

Friday 5: Misuses?

Here we got this week, with another fabulous edition of the Friday 5!

1. When did you last use the edge of a coin (or a knife blade) as a screwdriver?

Probably a long time ago because my dad's gift to me when I moved into my new place was a tool set, so I'd guess back when I was in college

2. When did you last use a wire coat-hanger to break into a car?

Fortunately I've never had to do this before.

3. When did you last use food or drink as medication?

Any time I have an upset stomach it's right to saltines and ginger ale for me.

4. When did you last use your cellular telephone as a flashlight?

Oh jeez, probably last night, I do that all the time.

5. When did you last use a paper clip for any purpose other than to clip paper?

Well I personally didn't use it, but one of my friends used it to...clean something out.

Homework Assignment #6: Back to Black to Basics

So this week, we’re getting back to basics. Back to what this little creative journey started off with–Character creation.



Image originally from Borissov at DeviantART

Don’t think, don’t weave intricate tales, don’t try to be brilliantly insightful. Just tell me who this is. You tell me as much as your creative mind allows, or as little. Some people’s first instinct when looking at an image is a snowball effect of ideas and stories. Some need more guidance. At the very least, answer the following:

* What’s her name?
* What’s her favorite movie/book? (Does she even have one? Can she even read?)
* What is her favorite time of year?
* Is she allergic to anything?
* Has she ever been married?
* How many siblings does she have?
* What is her dream?

See? You don’t have to answer those specifically, but if you’re having trouble getting inside the heads of characters you’re writing into short stories (Or novels for NaNoWriMo), sometimes these mundane questions help.

No excuses this week, hmm?

Ready, GO!


Angela had the dream life that many little girls fantasize about when they are younger. She can be seen on billboards all across the world promoting everything from her line of fragrances to fancy designer clothing to her own multi-platinum CD. Children everywhere looked up to her, women everywhere envied her, and men everywhere wanted to be with her.

Yet...Angela had a problem.

Ever since she was little her mother, a former beauty queen, pushed her only daughter to showbiz. She was the baby in the Sears Wish Book for three years running until, her parents got her into commercials. She was entered into beauty pageants all throughout her schooling. However, Angela wanted more for herself. She felt she was more than just a pretty face, she applied herself in her studies. She got tutors for herself without her parents knowledge, she developed a taste for fine arts, literature from some of the greatest minds of our time, and the cinema like Shawshank Redemption and Memento, and she made the honor roll every year at school. She wanted to become something where she would be appreciated for her mind and not her looks. But she never had the self confidence to step up to her parents, because watching her win awards made them so happy. And this trend continued even as she received her Master's degree in biochemistry. Her parents were elated that now she had finished school she could make her star burn brighter than ever before and wouldn't be bogged down by classes and such. And this trend continued because at this point she was tired of trying to do something else.

Then one night everything changed, Angela arrived to hair and makeup early for a photoshoot. She was sitting in the makeup chair and waiting for her stylist when she overheard the director of the shoot, speaking about "all these idiot models" and "stuck up bitches who probably can't read more than a clothing label." She got fed up and left the shoot.

And here she is, she has not turned back. The director has called, her parents have called, her friends have called. She's done being a model, she's done using her looks to get by, she's going to use her degree and go somewhere were she can be appreciated for her mind, and finally be happy with herself. And suddenly she realized that she loved the taste of the cool autumn night, because it tasted like freedom.