Saturday, September 27, 2008

Doing homework early...this isn't like me

Before I start I just want to thank Dawn, as this is a really fun idea and I think I'm going to come up with some weekly fun assignment type thing as well because everyone loves to have their creativity stimulated, that and it's a good easy way to keep the blog updated ;)

And plus I've almost blogged once a day for this entire week so I figured I'd keep the trend up and do the homework early.

Homework #4: Memories

Yet another twist to the game:

Everyone has at least one “Junk Drawer” in their home where errant trinkets, broken bits of something, receipts, dodads, and whatnots find a home. Sometimes these things are tossed or shoved in the drawer because there’s no where else to put them. Sometimes they’re put there because you don’t want to lose whatever it is you’re stashing away, or you don’t want to forget it. Other times you want to keep it, but have no where in particular to put it. In any event, the items all share something–they’re important in some way to the owner of the drawer. They’re pieces of memories stashed away.

This week I want you to tell me who this woman is by what is in her “Junk Drawer.” Imagine that she went rifling through that drawer in a last ditch panic looking for her misplaced keys the morning this picture was taken, and she, instead, found something she had forgotten about. What was it that she found that is making her smile like that and changed her mood 180 degrees? (I assume I don’t have to say this, but, “and why”)

Janine was a busy woman, a recent graduate of teaching school she had just been given her very own classroom. The only problem is the job came very late in the summer so she had little time to prepare, so needless to say she was quite stressed out. And being stressed out in front of 30 or so 2nd Graders is usually not the best way to spend 8 hours of every work day. Complicating the matter is that she has just recently moved in with her boyfriend of several years. So to say that the fact that this morning she is looking all over for her keys and that she is already late for work, doesn't seem to help matters.

Janine has gone through all of her normal places where she has her keys, and her boyfriend has already left for work today so he can't help. Janine has gone back to check in the car and they are still not in there, so she decides the last resort before she has to call work and tell them she's going to be late. Janine runs back inside and goes for the last bastion of hope...the junk drawer. Janine pulls open the drawer and instead of the normal method of sifting she merely starting pulling things out. Pens fly everywhere as do loose sticks of chewing gum. Janine starts to realize exactly how many pennies she has and makes a mental note to stop at a Coinstar later, but still she is not seeing her keys. At the bottom of the drawer she sees a note dated today. She finds this peculiar as she pulls the note out with a sweet smile on her face. The note reads:

My dearest Janine, something told me that you would forget that you left your keys in the bathroom last night, so I figured I would leave this note for you because I knew it would be your last resort. If I am right and you are reading this, I hope you have that beautiful smile on your face. If I'm wrong and you remembered right away, then I will probably throw this note out as soon as I get home, so to avoid you giving me a hard time about it for years. the way, would you turn around?

Janine looks at the last sentence for a bit and the smile turns to mass confusion as she turns around to find David on one knee in front of her with her keys around his finger but a ring box in his hand. Janine just starts nodding before David can say anything and they embrace with Janine having tears stream down her face.

Turns out David had already called in for both himself and Janine, and took the keys from their normal spot and kept them in his pocket. Janine keeps that note in the bottom of her junk drawer to this day, this to put a smile on her face.

Friday, September 26, 2008



1. When did someone last break something of yours?
One of my friends came over once when he was hammered and fell essentially through my table in my living room

2. When did you last play hackysack, if ever?
Sadly, I don't believe I've ever played hackysack

3. What was your most dramatic haircut like?
Dramatic? Well there was the ever popular "Flap" i had in my younger years whihc would now oddly enough be called an emo cut or a Peter Petrelli (Season 1) but I also dyed my hair bright red around my college graduation

4. Hacking is basically breaking through the security that protects a computer or a website. What’s the closest you’ve come to doing something similar in real life?

I brought down NORAD with a laptop once just to prove a point...and get free adult entertainment channels

5. In the world of stand-up comedy, a hack is a comic who steals jokes from other comics. Have you ever known a hack in your own field?

Well I've been around people who will take credit for stuff that I've done and stuff that other people have done so that's essentially the same thing


HACK 1. What brought you to Social Media and what keeps you hanging around?

What brought me to Social Media? The Wrestling Mayhem Show obviously

HACK 2. Which social networking tool gives you the shakes when it’s not updated or is experiencing down time? (Podcasts, Blogs, Micro-blogging, etc)

Podcasts, with as much as I use my iPod if I don't have new podcasts to listen to all the time I will lose my mind

HACK 3. What kind of insight could you offer to others on a topic at PCPGH3? If none, then what do you most want to hear more about?

Better ways on recording a podcast, using free software...sadly I won't be there

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Don't blame me...the dog ate my first copy

And now for this week’s homework challenge! Admittedly, y’all have done an amazing job with finding the folks in these images in your own version of their world. Some have been remarkably dark, others touching, and I’ve even seen a few responses that drew a chuckle or two. But don’t think this is going to be easy forever! I want you to exercise those creative muscles! Get those Muses off of their respective couches and working again! So I offer you the following:

Walking Alone by <span class=

Along with your regular responses to who this is and what is going on in the picture, be sure to address two things: 1) Is he/she coming back? and 2) Associate a song/audio with this image in some way. In other words, create the soundtrack for this moment.

Bobby Miller was a kid raised in the slums of Harlem by his single mom and his two older brothers. They all had to work several jobs in order to keep the run down rat's nest they lived in and to keep food on the table and electricity on in their lives. But since Bobby was much younger than his brother's and his mother kept pulling triple shifts to keep them afloat, Bobby was forced to learn to take care of himself.

The pocket change he earned from a paper route and being a delivery boy for a local deli he used on karate lessons. The streets are dangerous in Harlem and the later it gets the better prepared you had better be. Bobby worked very hard because it was how he was raised, he made the most of each and every karate lesson he able to afford and before not he was a very high level black belt. When Bobby wasn't in karate or trying to earn some money he was on the rooftops of his building, training his body to be a well trained machine like his sensei instructed. He would walk on his hands across the ledges of buildings and train himself to be invisible in the shadows. Bobby was turning himself into a highly skilled warrior, because he knew that eventually he would be getting night jobs, and night jobs in Harlem are dangerous.

Sure enough he did. His mother was now very old, and his brothers had moved away out of Harlem because they met girls, married them, and moved out of the old neighborhood. Bobby could hardly blame them, if he had his choice he'd use his martial arts skills to get out of the neighborhood that had only become more dangerous. But now he had to take care of his mother, who had worked so much of her life she couldn't support the family anymore. One night on his way home, Bobby knew he needed to get home earlier, because he wanted to make it in time to wish his mom a happy birthday before she went to sleep so he took what he thought was a shortcut. On this night Bobby went down the wrong alley.

There were a few junkies in the alley Bobby took and they all had knives. Normally one or two guys wouldn't have been a problem for Bobby, but there were more than that. They overwhelmed him, he fought them off for as long as he could, but these guys were desperate. They cut at him and beat him to the ground. They didn't kill him because after all, all they wanted was a fix. They stole his wallet and checking how much cash he happened to have on him at the time, assumed he had more. They ran off in the direction of his apartment as Bobby screamed and tried to follow them. It's hard to run with several stab wounds in your leg. Bobby knows something that the junkies don't...there's no money at his mom's place. When they find that out they aren't going to be happy so he's gotta get there as fast as possible.

But he's too late. When Bobby gets to his mom's place, it is set ablaze and the junkies are long gone. He can't even hear the screams on anyone in the building. It's such an old building no one thought of anything for a decent escape plan. Bobby drops to his knees crying out in anguish as the sounds of horns and sirens of fire engines are now flooding around him.

That was one year ago today. Ever since then Bobby has made it his life's mission to make sure that never happens to anyone again. Call him a hero if you want, he just doesn't want to be a victim again. He prowls the streets at night keeping watch on his city. Every night he throws his trench coat on and walks around the back alleys of Harlem and keeps an eye on everyone. His address is the streets now and thugs don't stand a chance when The Guardian Angel of Harlem is out.

Godsmack's "I Stand Alone" plays as Bobby throw on his coat and heads out onto the streets

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

This is what keeps me up at night.........*Caution: Heavy Reading Ahead*

I want to star this blog off by apologizing because I am not in a right frame of mind right now so half of this may be rambling and incoherent but I just need to get my thoughts out and it's way too late to call anyone, and since this is supposed to be about my thoughts and goes.

You know I've gone through a lot of my life with a smile on my face and my heart on my sleeve. I wear my feelings right out in the open for everyone to see and it's burned me more often than not. But what do you do when you lay awake every night thinking the same thoughts that you jsut aren't good just aren't smart just aren't lucky enough to get the things or people that you want.

I mean sure you can sit and think about it and tell someone all your deepest darkest feelings and your worst fears come to life and they can tell you that it's all a phase. They can tell you that things are going to get better and that you have to admit to yourself that they will.

But what if they don't?

No one ever has a good answer for that question, because they try and remain optimistic to keep your spirits alive.

But what if things don't turn around?

What if you think things are at their worst, and yet you still continue to sink lower...and lower still.

You know a couple years ago I was in a relationship, that I admit wasn't going anywhere. I realized that it was a bad thing for me to be in, and although it killed me to do it, I had to break it off. It was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, because I still cared for her but not in the way that she cared for me. And when I saw that look of sadness in her eyes and I knew that it was the last thing I wanted to do, it broke my heart. But I know it was still the right thing to do. And when I broke the news to my friends, everyone told me it was the right thing to do. Everyone told me that I would move on to bigger and better things. Within a matter of months, she was with someone new. And, they were already being intimate with each other. To be honest, and I know it sounds really petty...but that blew me away. To be honest it's still something that bothers me to my core.

I've never told her this...perhaps someday I will, but we had a four year relationship. Four years of our lives together, and it only takes her a few months to get back on the horse. I think I have a right to be more than little pissed off about that. Did the time we spent together mean absolutely nothing? Am I that easy to cast aside? Did any of it mean anything to her? I mean call me old fashioned, but I believe that the act of making love should be something that's reserved for people who are actually in love. But no...she finds the next guy and just hops in the sack with him. The best part about it is that she got pregnant, so now I feel like shit for even wanting to to give her shit about about this. Should I feel like shit for this? I'm not even sure, because I know her going through the pregnancy is a long and painful ordeal. But am I allowed to still feel the pain and hurt that I have in my heart because I feel like I was just cast aside as easily as a stone in a creek? I'd like to think so, but there's nothing I can do about it. However...the greatest part about this, was how I found out that she was with child. We were going to hang out once after we had broken up just as friends and because she wanted to visit some of her other friends that were graduating, so I assumed everything would be rather innocent.

Well you know that saying that assuming just makes an ass out of you and me...well it's dead on.

First she lays on the bombshell that she is pregnant and the douchebag she slept with already has a kid. And even all this I was "okay" with, I smiled and asked if there was anything she needed. I asked all about it and I was happy for her. In the back of my head, all these thoughts were forming, but let's be honest...I couldn't say them then. It's too much of a dickish thing to do and/or say. And there I thought that my night on unpleasentness and uncomfortableness was over. Boy was I wrong yet again. After an okay dinner...she begins to flirt with me. The mother of another man's child, and the woman who was more than willing to jump back into the sack only a few months, then tells me that she still loves me. How the fuck does she expect that will make me feel? Why would I even want to know that? Is she just trying to Jedi mind fuck me to death? Well mission a-fucking-ccomplished. Now not only do I not get any form of apology, which I feel I deserve but I get the exact opposite. Now don't get me wrong, I still stand by my decision to end our union, and I still know it was the best decision for me. But how is she able to say that to me and then move on to her life with ehr child and leave me this broken version of a man who hasn't even come anything close to having a real relationship since then.

I mean is it my own fault, that nothing in relation to the female gender has worked out since then? Do I persue the wrong people? Am I just not in the right places at the right times? Do I not take advantage of the things I should have? Or am I just destined to be alone? Am I destined just to be that nice guy that watches all of his friends around him get married and have children and have meaningful long lasting relationships while I sit on my fucking chair counseling those in relationships and getting out of relationships while my own heart is probably broken into so many pieces by now that I don't know if anyone can put it back togheter again?

I'm not saying that I don't want to be there for my friends, because I love my friends more than anything...but is it so wrong for me to want to be happy as well?

Is that so wrong?

I want someone to laugh with. I want someone to hold close at night. I want someone who will laugh at my jokes even when they aren't that funny. I want someone who will be there for me. I want someone to love. I want someone to love me back. I want someone to accept me as I am. I want someone who takes my faults and my imperfections. I just want someone who wants me for me. I want passion. I want desire. I want love.

Is that so wrong?

I'd like to think not.

Though it seems I may be asking too much. It seems like its too much for me to want to be happy. I've been trying to convince myself that nice guys don't finish last, the race is just longer for us...well I'm tired of running. Why can't the finish line come to me for once?

These are the thoughts that keep me up at night, this is why I havent't had a good night's sleep in almost a year. This is why I toss and turn. This is why I am throwing away osaked paper towels right now. This is why I look at some people who keep fucking up really good things that they have and yet seem to get more and more chances and just shake my head. This is why I look at some of my friends who get fucked over badly and think to myself hpow much better I could treat them. This is why I think to myself that a lot of the guys I know who are in relationships and treat their women like shit and want to grab them by the shoulders, shake them and scream at them to not fuck it up. Because they don't know how God damned good they have it. And I look at some of my friends and how they don't know how I see them through my eyes, and how I think they deserve the absolute best, how I never want anyone to hurt them, or to make them feel like there is anything wrong with them. But I can't do that...I can't wave my magic wand and make all their hurt and their pain go away, as much as I'd like to, even if it made me hurt more for doing it, I would.

So maybe I am destined to be alone...I don't know anymore. All I do know is that I'm rambling now and half of this probably won't make sense to me when I wake up, if I can get to sleep. So apologies again if you actually sat through and read this whole thing...I just needed to talk to someone and at this time of night the only one up is my computer monitor and the driver of the white van with candy (I swear I'll explain this joke eventually).

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Into Every Life TV Must Fall...

Greetings all 5 of you who actually probably bother to read my blog, but as per usual I am being an insomniac or simply just bored and I feel like telling you about shows that you should be watching this fall.

First off I'm going to start with the calendar days, starting with Sunday...and there are two shows you should somehow find time to watch, or cable to steal from to watch these two shows. Now of course Simpsons is coming back soon and so is Family Guy...but let's be honest if you aren't watching those shows now, there's nothing I can do to convince you. But I have one new show and one established show that you guys should check out.

True Blood

A new show from the amazing people at HBO about vampires living amongst humans in the South. Now when I first saw the previews for this I groaned a little bit and thought it would be just a constant one note joke about vampires and an excuse to show gratuitous nudity and such. But what the show actually hinders on is really an interesting take on segregation similar to how X-Men deals with it. Extraordinary people living amongst humans and being persecuted for it, always an interesting concept. The only real established star in the show is Anna Paquin as the lead role of Suki who has become smitten with one of the vampires (who by all accounts I've heard is "hot"....ladies) and the trouble they each get into with their own kind. I'm not completely sold on the show yet as its only had two episodes, but it looks promising thus far.


Yet another show from HBO worth your attention is Entourage. The reason for watching Entourage can be summed up in two words: Jeremy Piven. Anyone who is a fan of Piven from movies like PCU or Old School or remember him from Ellen but wish he would really get a spotlight role...this is it. Ari Gold is a fucking legend. Just Youtube Ari Gold and if you don't want to watch this show after five minutes of watching him in action...may God have mercy on your soul.

Moving onto Mondays, I'm going to throw out the obvious plug for Raw because its been a staple of my Monday nights since 1993, and although some shows may push it to a later viewing via DVR (see below) it always holds a special place in my heart. But first, we travel to CBS.

The Big Bang Theory

This was a show I didn't watch until half way through the season last year when it debuted but got turned onto it by one of my best friends, and I am so glad she did. This show is what geeks crave. The premise is simple a pair of geeky friends have a stupidly hot girl move in across the hall from them, hilarity ensues as they learn to interact with females. Then you throw in a few cast mates from the amazing show Roseanne, and you have comedy gold wrapped in aluminum foil, just waiting to be enjoyed nightly. The jokes are sophmoric in nature but graduate school in delivery and as long as you can keep up and release your inner nerd, it works flawlessly.

How I Met Your Mother

This show speaks for itself upon one viewing and to be honest there is only one word to sum it up: legendary.

Plus Neil Patrick Harris and Bob Saget are in it, do you really need more information than that? Watch it.

Oh yeah, there's one other show that has basically blown my mind more times than I care to count...

If you left the show, come misses you, it needs to feed...because this show is back in a big bad way ladies and gentlemen. If you've never seen it, G4 aires repeats of it, and so does, and there are other sites that web saavy people like yourselves can catch up on. This show is phenominal in all forms and fashions, bank on it.

Tuesdays and Wednesdays are night you should not be watching TV (except for perhaps ECW) because of the Wrestling Mayhem Show and Level 5, a new Heroes podcast coming to a blogtv feed near you.

But Thursday is the time for a not yet tight-wearing superhero to get through his final tasks as the last season of Smallville is upon us. The journey of young Clark Kent is almost over and now that Lex Luthor has bitten the dust (?) and Supergirl is stuck (?) in the Phantom Zone, and Lana has left Clark for seemingly the final time, the real Superman mythology should be taking place. He has a job at the Daily Planet, and he seems to have a nice little group of Superfriends. This should be a really interesting season.

And Fridays there isn't really much to speak for except for watching The Brian Kendrick on Smackdown. So that's pretty much what occupies my DVR for the week, if there's any otehr show you think I should be checking out or any shows you want to thank me for exposing you to, feel free to comment.

Peace out kiddies.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Friday 5: Amenals?

YAR!!! Although me be greatly disappointed that Ye Olde Friday 5 has nothing to do with pirates, it still be time to answer these questions 5.

1. What’s the cutest of the small, furry animals?

YAR that obviously be me little puppy known by the name of Rocky. He be a little ball of fur and adorableness.

2. What predator impresses you the most?

Well that be another easy one me mateys, that obviously be the lion. There be a reason he be called the king of the jungle.

3. After which animal will you name your professional sports team?

Har me mateys, that be The Parrots because we be talking a lot of trash to landlubbers all across the seven seas.

4. What’s an unusual animal that you know a little something about?

Alas I'm not really what ye would call Jane Goodall but I do know a thing or two about the great apes that roamed this planet many moons ago.

5. Your high school probably had some kind of mascot or symbol, but based on your memories of it, what animal should REALLY have been the emblem?

Yar, that'd probably be an anteater simply because high school sucked, see even on Talk Like A Pirate Dat I can get me a witty pun or two out there.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Like most Homework ever, this is probably late

This week’s assignment is not just a mere “What’s going on here?” exercise. Who are these men? What are they talking about? Whatever history you choose to include, only one thing is required: What bit of information is causing the look on the one man’s face?

Bob and Jasper have been friends for years, they have been through thick and thin together. They've worked together, they've been each other's best man at their weddings, they're kids and grandkids are all really close friends. In short they are the best of friends and talk about everything together, especially outside the stoop of the former factory where they met. This conversation is one they seem to have all the time, however. Jasper is pretty grounded about most things, but this one incident still sticks with him. Below is an excerpt of their conversation.

Jasper: You think you know someone...I mean my God.

Bob: Are we still on about this?

Jasper: Why yes we are, old friend. Don't tell me you didn't feel horribly betrayed too.

Bob: I did, but Jasper that happened years ago. You need to let some things go.

Jasper: I can't do it, Bob. I mean.....I loved her.

Bob: No you didn't, Jasper. You barely knew her...besides, after things turned know that's impossible.

Jasper: Well okay, maybe that was a bit much...but still we both cared about her.

Bob: I was more or less just playing along for your sake. I always sensed something was different about her.

Jasper: But did you know what secret she really had?

Bob: Of course not! Believe me, once I found out I questioned everything about myself.

Everything. My marriage, my life, my kids, my grandkids. Everything.

Jasper: You and me both friend. She...she...she just seemed so trustworthy. I thought she was one of the good guys...I thought she was one of us.

Bob: Heh, heh, heh.

Jasper: Why are you laughing?

Bob: She turned out to be more like us than you think, Jasper.

Jasper: Are you saying I'm not trustworthy?

Bob: You know exactly what I'm saying, don't make yourself out to be a martyr on this one. You got fooled...we all did.

Jasper: But I mean...

Bob: Jasper, it's can say it.

Jasper: You're's time I finally admitted

Jasper sobs uncontrollably into his arms as Bob puts his arm around his best friend

Saturday, September 13, 2008

You've Got Questions...

We've got MANswers? Really?

As I was trying to stay away from the abomination that is TNA, I saw a commercial for something that not only made me ashamed of my gender but of society in general. Now Spike TV I understand that you are a channel with very few actual real television shows, and you are simply here to appeal to the male gender's most basic naturalistic desires: sex and violence.

The shows they have on their network are TNA Impact (which I guess is supposed to appeal to guys), Pros vs. Joes, all forms of UFC programming, and any number of muscle cars or animal attack shows. Also last, but not least...the show MANswers.

In case you haven't heard of this show, the idea of the show is that it takes questions all men have but would never ask aloud and answers them through the medium of bikini clad models and midgets. After doing a bit of research the questions that this show feels is what's on the tip of all men truly truly frightens the shit out of me.

The first season of this show (yes, they've been renewed) has had such wonderful topics as: "How to tell the difference between a dealer and a narc?" "How to tell if she's a hooker or a cop?" "Fake breasts or real breasts: Who's hornier?" "Safest way to get hit by a car." and "How to bust out of handcuffs."

Now...these are just some of my personal favorites, believe me there are others. And yes, they are all completely ridiculous. Now I'm not exactly sure what to make of this because not only have I never asked any of these questions to myself, even when very inebriated, but I don't think I've ever heard any of these discussed by anyone. Does this make me less of a man, or less of a moron? I'm going to go with the latter. But if these are the questions that enough people actually tune in to find out the answers to, then there is no real question over the debate of the battle of the sexes. Sorry boys, we lose.

I've always been under the impression that women have been the dominant gender anyway, but this show MANswers really proves it to me. I can just picture the kind of beer swilling, frat boys that will sit around the TV before talking about how many skanks they are going to bang while watching MANswers and high-fiving each other when the over-masculine announcer announces exactly how to take a stripper home with you (yet another winner topic) while showing a female stripping to practically nothing.

And to reassure people that with their second season they haven't sold out and actually posed intelligent questions, here are the challenging topics they plan on tackling on their season premiere:
Can you freeze your farts and smell them later?
What animal can give you an erection for hours?
What country's army pays for fake boobs?

For shame MANswers, for shame.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Friday 5: Embrace the Random

  1. Who lets you have your way more than you should?
    My folks probably....
  2. According to the cliche, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but what’s the way to yours?
    Oh there are many ways to my heart, as it's been enlarged from all the hamburgers I eat :)

  3. What’s something that should have been put away but hasn’t been?
    The clothes I wore last nigth that are still on the floor.

  4. When did you last weigh yourself?
    I don't like scales....they're never calibrated right

  5. What do the cops in the donut shop say? :D
    I'd like a strawberry frosted and a box o' joe

Friday, September 5, 2008

Avoiding the Obvious Orange Joke Title

1. What’s your favorite orange-colored food? It's probably a very close tie between baby carrots and crunchy cheese curls

2. What’s the best way to drink orange juice? Two words: crazy straw

3. Which candy’s orange-colored pieces taste best? Yeah there's really only one answer here.....crispy M&M's

4. What are your feelings about orange soda? Same as Kel's

5. When did you last wear an orange item of clothing? I actually have an orange shirt that say 8 Bit player on it, which is pretty awesome I probably wore it a week or so ago

Monday, September 1, 2008

A Letter to 15-year-old Mad Mike

Okay, recently I was helping Miss Ashley Hoover pick out a song for her father's wedding and in doing so it brought me back many years (roughly 10 to be exact) in some of the songs I was looking at/listening to on my iPod. That and I've been watching a lot of Heroes time traveling stuff, Back to the Future, Bill and Ted, and just realized that ten years ago today...I was just starting high school. (Yes, that is a very scary thought for me) So I decided to take what I know now and sort of write a letter to my 15 year old self.

Dear Mike,

Okay now I know you will never get to read this because even if by some form of crazy Disney-esque time travel internet device, this letter makes its way to that crappy little computer loaded with Virtual Simpsons, you'll be too busy making fun of people in AOL Chat rooms to notice...but here goes nothing.

Okay let's face facts...grade school pretty much sucked for you man. Don't get mad, it sucked for most people. Granted you may not realize that now, but you will in me I know, I've asked around. Now I'm gonna get this out in the open now, some things I can tell you are gonna make you upset, some things are going to make you happy, and some things you're not going to be able to change....well at least not yet. I'm still waiting for the letter from 35-year-old Mike, I assume he has the technology in 2018, unless again the Jetsons have lied to us.

First, I'm going to get something out of the way that will cheer you up, because I know your situation with the ladies isn't really that great, you will lose your virginity by age 20. Breathe easy boy, and you're better at it than you think you will be. At least as far as I know. By the way, in case I forget...start writing more, maybe try the newspaper at Lourdes, it will lead you to some interesting places. But yeah so as far as women go, some things will improve but I'm sorry to say not for a while. You're gonna go through a lot of heartbreak and heartache. It sucks but trust me you are better off in the long run, I've seen what some of the crushes you have now have become. However there are somethings that won't change, or at least haven't yet. You still fall hard and fall fast for some women, usually very unavailable, and yes they will eventually become some of your best friends. One of the things I did inherit from you is your residency in the friend zone...don't worry I've moved some of my stuff out, but I'm still crashing there a lot. Just keep your chin up boy, remember nice guys don't finish's just a longer race for us.

Okay moving on to other things, keep in mind that at least 90% of the people you are about to meet in high school you will never hear from again after college. Don't let them know this, it would just upset them especially when they all write KIT in your yearbook and write their numbers or say "we'll chill this summer." Yeah, it's all posturing bullshit...but at least the sentiment is nice. So while you're there try some new things, I mean they are supposed to be the best years of your life...may as well enjoy them. Some things are going to take their natural course, like Dad forcing you to get a job....but don't worry it's an awesome one. You'll like it, definitely better than CYO Basketball snackroom boy. If I were you I'd give sports a try, not track and field I mean let's be realistic here. But give soccer and basketball a try....hell maybe even football, everyone always tells me I'm built like a lineman, and I know you are too.

Also, sorry man, this is going to gotta change that hair. The "flap" isn't really the "it" style anymore, it's holding you back if anything. Regardless of what Mom says, the hair looks much better short...and the ladies love it. Also as far as clothes go, I'd throw out anything that has any sort of shiny aspect to it. Yes I know you love your Dragonball Z silky button down shirt with Goku on it...but trust me on this one, reserve it for geekfests only. Oh yeah, one more thing...corduroy does not look good on us. Yeah...really.

College is a different story though, though a lot of it seems like high school with booze and no dress code, it really is a much different experience. First off...yes you drink. You like to drink...sometimes a lot. And when someone later in life mentions a fishbowl, do not turn it down. It is nectar of gods. And yes there are some people that like wrestling there and dare I say will watch it with you. Also again...stick with the newspaper thing, it will serve you well in the long run, probably the reason I'm actually writing this letter to you right now. Your friends in college are a lot different from your friends in high school, you do hang out with much more of them even after you all move to various parts of the five boroughs and beyond. By the way, you do live in New York City, and your place is awesome. College is a lot tougher than high school academic-wise so ease up on the video games a bit...or at least attempt to. But overall, I'd say it's a rewarding experience. I've certainly learned a lot about myself and I am imparting this knowledge onto you...though by the time you actually do get to write this, it will all be too late again. But I think I've let out enough spoilers for you, however I'll leave you with a few little nuggets of info, especially things you may be confused about.

If you ever need help with anything, Mom and Dad will always be there for you.
Erika becomes less annoying over time...kinda.
Women become more confusing over time.
Don't resort to violence in living situations...remember just outwit them with your cunning and razor wit.
You still have your razor wit...just don't laugh at your own material.
Masturbating does not make you go blind.
Go to Pittsburgh when the time is right, there are some amazing people there.
What happens in Vegas, becomes stories of legend...despite what you may have heard.
Stop worrying about prom nights, very overrated if you ask me.
Don't drink rum...stick with vodka.
Calling someone "sir" is now no longer simply a sign of respect.
I'm still a relatively happy, well adjusted man, so you aren't screwing things up too matter how hard it seems sometimes.
Wear sunscreen. (this is a joke you'll get by the time you're a senior)

And well this one is something I'm still trying to do myself....if you feel something, express it. Don't hold it inside, don't wait, don't let the moment pass you by, because sometimes'll never get another shot at that moment, and you'll never know what could have happened.

Take care of myself Mike. See me in ten years.