Wednesday, September 24, 2008

This is what keeps me up at night.........*Caution: Heavy Reading Ahead*

I want to star this blog off by apologizing because I am not in a right frame of mind right now so half of this may be rambling and incoherent but I just need to get my thoughts out and it's way too late to call anyone, and since this is supposed to be about my thoughts and musings.......here goes.

You know I've gone through a lot of my life with a smile on my face and my heart on my sleeve. I wear my feelings right out in the open for everyone to see and it's burned me more often than not. But what do you do when you lay awake every night thinking the same thoughts that you jsut aren't good enough..you just aren't smart enough...you just aren't lucky enough to get the things or people that you want.

I mean sure you can sit and think about it and tell someone all your deepest darkest feelings and your worst fears come to life and they can tell you that it's all a phase. They can tell you that things are going to get better and that you have to admit to yourself that they will.

But what if they don't?

No one ever has a good answer for that question, because they try and remain optimistic to keep your spirits alive.

But what if things don't turn around?

What if you think things are at their worst, and yet you still continue to sink lower...and lower still.

You know a couple years ago I was in a relationship, that I admit wasn't going anywhere. I realized that it was a bad thing for me to be in, and although it killed me to do it, I had to break it off. It was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, because I still cared for her but not in the way that she cared for me. And when I saw that look of sadness in her eyes and I knew that it was the last thing I wanted to do, it broke my heart. But I know it was still the right thing to do. And when I broke the news to my friends, everyone told me it was the right thing to do. Everyone told me that I would move on to bigger and better things. Within a matter of months, she was with someone new. And, they were already being intimate with each other. To be honest, and I know it sounds really petty...but that blew me away. To be honest it's still something that bothers me to my core.

I've never told her this...perhaps someday I will, but we had a four year relationship. Four years of our lives together, and it only takes her a few months to get back on the horse. I think I have a right to be more than little pissed off about that. Did the time we spent together mean absolutely nothing? Am I that easy to cast aside? Did any of it mean anything to her? I mean call me old fashioned, but I believe that the act of making love should be something that's reserved for people who are actually in love. But no...she finds the next guy and just hops in the sack with him. The best part about it is that she got pregnant, so now I feel like shit for even wanting to to give her shit about about this. Should I feel like shit for this? I'm not even sure, because I know her going through the pregnancy is a long and painful ordeal. But am I allowed to still feel the pain and hurt that I have in my heart because I feel like I was just cast aside as easily as a stone in a creek? I'd like to think so, but there's nothing I can do about it. However...the greatest part about this, was how I found out that she was with child. We were going to hang out once after we had broken up just as friends and because she wanted to visit some of her other friends that were graduating, so I assumed everything would be rather innocent.

Well you know that saying that assuming just makes an ass out of you and me...well it's dead on.

First she lays on the bombshell that she is pregnant and the douchebag she slept with already has a kid. And even all this I was "okay" with, I smiled and asked if there was anything she needed. I asked all about it and I was happy for her. In the back of my head, all these thoughts were forming, but let's be honest...I couldn't say them then. It's too much of a dickish thing to do and/or say. And there I thought that my night on unpleasentness and uncomfortableness was over. Boy was I wrong yet again. After an okay dinner...she begins to flirt with me. The mother of another man's child, and the woman who was more than willing to jump back into the sack only a few months, then tells me that she still loves me. How the fuck does she expect that will make me feel? Why would I even want to know that? Is she just trying to Jedi mind fuck me to death? Well mission a-fucking-ccomplished. Now not only do I not get any form of apology, which I feel I deserve but I get the exact opposite. Now don't get me wrong, I still stand by my decision to end our union, and I still know it was the best decision for me. But how is she able to say that to me and then move on to her life with ehr child and leave me this broken version of a man who hasn't even come anything close to having a real relationship since then.

I mean is it my own fault, that nothing in relation to the female gender has worked out since then? Do I persue the wrong people? Am I just not in the right places at the right times? Do I not take advantage of the things I should have? Or am I just destined to be alone? Am I destined just to be that nice guy that watches all of his friends around him get married and have children and have meaningful long lasting relationships while I sit on my fucking chair counseling those in relationships and getting out of relationships while my own heart is probably broken into so many pieces by now that I don't know if anyone can put it back togheter again?

I'm not saying that I don't want to be there for my friends, because I love my friends more than anything...but is it so wrong for me to want to be happy as well?

Is that so wrong?

I want someone to laugh with. I want someone to hold close at night. I want someone who will laugh at my jokes even when they aren't that funny. I want someone who will be there for me. I want someone to love. I want someone to love me back. I want someone to accept me as I am. I want someone who takes my faults and my imperfections. I just want someone who wants me for me. I want passion. I want desire. I want love.

Is that so wrong?

I'd like to think not.

Though it seems I may be asking too much. It seems like its too much for me to want to be happy. I've been trying to convince myself that nice guys don't finish last, the race is just longer for us...well I'm tired of running. Why can't the finish line come to me for once?

These are the thoughts that keep me up at night, this is why I havent't had a good night's sleep in almost a year. This is why I toss and turn. This is why I am throwing away osaked paper towels right now. This is why I look at some people who keep fucking up really good things that they have and yet seem to get more and more chances and just shake my head. This is why I look at some of my friends who get fucked over badly and think to myself hpow much better I could treat them. This is why I think to myself that a lot of the guys I know who are in relationships and treat their women like shit and want to grab them by the shoulders, shake them and scream at them to not fuck it up. Because they don't know how God damned good they have it. And I look at some of my friends and how they don't know how I see them through my eyes, and how I think they deserve the absolute best, how I never want anyone to hurt them, or to make them feel like there is anything wrong with them. But I can't do that...I can't wave my magic wand and make all their hurt and their pain go away, as much as I'd like to, even if it made me hurt more for doing it, I would.

So maybe I am destined to be alone...I don't know anymore. All I do know is that I'm rambling now and half of this probably won't make sense to me when I wake up, if I can get to sleep. So apologies again if you actually sat through and read this whole thing...I just needed to talk to someone and at this time of night the only one up is my computer monitor and the driver of the white van with candy (I swear I'll explain this joke eventually).

1 comment:

Jennie said...

I'm sure it felt good just to get your feelings out. I know words are words and don't necessarily make you feel better but really, you're in your mid-twenties, and I think the best thing for you to do right now is to live your life. You aren't 45 years old and writing this blog post; you've got many many years and memories ahead of you. She'll come along someday. I hope you don't regret feeling this way and not spending time living life to the fullest with what you already have.