Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Worktime Randomness Version 1.0

Okay, this is going to be the first in a series of blogs that I post from work. Basically the purpose of these blogs is going to be about the random stuff that happens to make it's way somehow into my brainwaves and I don't feel I could share with any of my coworkers for the following reasons:

a) They wouldn't know any of the references that I refer to
b) Nor would they care
c) I'd get that odd "how old are you and how much money are we paying you?" look
d) It's almost too obscure that even I'm not exactly sure of the authenticity of it

Now to prove how random all of these entries are going to.....and really should be, here's something that I've been contemplating for the past day or two ever since I saw Casper on Starz during my day off. The entire concept of Casper is bull shit. Now hear me out, this is not an indictment of the existence of ghosts or anything like that, I'm just talking the physical appearance of Casper and his three uncles Fatso, Stretch, and Stinkie. You see this occurred to me during the end of the movie when not only the movie's villain Kerrigan but Kat's father both die in the flick. When we see their spiritual forms, they are just about an exact replica of their human forms even down to Bill Pullman's glasses and awkwardness and Kerrigans massive chesticles....yet Casper and his kin look like shapeless blobs. If what we were led to believe is the true spiritual form is what happens right after you die, then Casper sure as fuck didn't look like Junior Floyd when he was 12 years old and maybe there was a reason he was locked away in that attic Rye Playland looking room of his. Now if they explained that the longer you are in ghostly form the less you start to look like you did when you were human, fine I'd buy that...but it's never explained. And based on that theory, I don't want to see shapeless ghosts damn it, I want to see a floating older brother from Everybody Loves Raymond, two more floating guys that no one knows of, and a hovering....yet still dreamy...translucent Devon Sawa. Now I told you the journey of my mind takes you to many odd and unusual places, so if that last little ditty of mine completely confused's more than likely only going to get worse from here on in.

This leads me to something popped into my head while talking about Casper. The Muppet Babies are solely responsible for making my generation unhappy. Now hear me out, because when I was a kid I loved the Muppet Babies. My mom worked at a daycare center when I was younger and I used to stay there on days off, and help watch the kids and reap the benefits of juice time and playing with wooden blocks all day...and watch numerous awesome shows and movies like Land Before Time and Sharon, Lois, and Graham's Elephant Show (skidamarinkydinkydink mother fuckers). But now the reason I say Muppet Babies is responsible for making my generation unhappy with our stations in life, lies directly in the theme song. Ahem...sing along if you wish. "When your world looks kind of weird and you wish that you weren't there. Just close your eyes and make believe and you can be anywhere!" Cute lyrics right? Bring you back to your childhood a bit? Well when I heard it then, those lyrics inspired me to believe that I was a ninja turtle stopping a guy who for some reason couldn't just use nuclear warfare to destroy four turtles, or a fat Italian plumber using mushrooms to make himself feel bigger. But now I listen to those lyrics and it's really an indictment of our entire society. The Muppet Babies are basically teaching us to avoid reality at all costs when something, no matter how minutely small, shows up that we don't enjoy. Stuck in traffic? No worries, picture yourself on a pirate ship. Going through a divorce? Eh, that's okay because there is a unicorn right outside your door just waiting to fly you to a world of porn and beer. I mean even looking at almost every single episode, it's as soon as the faceless, nameless authority figure (affectionately referred to as "Nanny" which we all know is real world talk for "Boss" or "Master") tells them to do something, they immediately go to different worlds and when "Nanny" returns more often than not, the problem that they were supposed to solve is solved for them. Not only does that present an entirely skewed view of the real world, it teaches children to skirt responsibility as much as possible until the job eventually gets done for you. Fuck you Muppet Babies, for killing society.

Patti Mayonnaise was a cock tease. Yeah, I said it. It had to be said. Now listen, I'm not trying to say that I didn't enjoy Patti or the entire Doug community for that matter, but looking at it realistically. Patti was probably the biggest cock tease in all of Bluffington. Granted our boy Douglas Yancy Funnie wasn't the smoothest cat in the land, but he also wasn't the most subtle. I mean even Roger figured out early on that Doug was jonesing for Patti ever since she jogged by the Honker Burger. Patti had to know this as well, as she was roughly more intelligent than most of the characters in the school were...despite her shortcomings in math. Yet she pretty much took advantage of all the things Doug did for her without so much as a little sugar for his troubles. Now maybe I'm a bit bitter towards Patti, because all guys growing up have a "Patti" in our lives. And once you grow a bit older (unless of course you end up with "Patti" which never generally happens because there's always a smooth talking editor of the school paper with a name like Guy, who shows up eventually to snatch her away after she finally catches on to your advances and subtle moves), you eventually come to realize that the "Patti's" of the world are just attention whores and cock teases for the most part. They obviously realize what is going on, that the "Doug's" shower them with attention because of crushes, unrequited loves, whatever terminology you want to use, but as long as they play dumb for as long as possible even though the token foreigner in the class (a.k.a. Fentruck) realizes the feelings "Doug" has for "Patti", then "Doug" will keep trying to make moves with "Patti" she'll string him along even further. This is just a message to the "Doug"s of the world....sometimes it's just best to relax, sit back, and strum your own banjo.

Now you may be asking yourself, if by yourself you mean me (Stephen Colbert lifted gimmick, yes I know) why oh why am I completely destroying the idyllic qualities of Patti Mayonnaise, especially when BeBe Bluff is a far more suitable target of ridicule and mockery? Well first of all, that's an excellent question. But it comes with an easy answer. BeBe is a bitch. BeBe is a rich bitch and she knows it, and she is probably proud of it. She makes no bones about, she doesn't try to hide it, she orders you around in Home Ec by not letting you sit for a few minutes even though the cake gets to. If you try and involve yourself in the world that revolves around BeBe Bluff, you pretty much get exactly what you pay for. You have to put up with her bitchiness, but on the bright side, you'd be able to get front rows tickets to the Beets concert, and in the future if you play your cards right, you may even get to nail her. Because BeBe Bluff looks like she would be a good anger bang, in that whole big argument leads to silent sexual tension leads to her grabbing a riding crop and forcing you down on your knees telling you to worship her foot kind of way. So sorry, Mosquito...but no one feels sorry for you. Honk! Honk!

Well I think that's all for now, and if you think that I think too much about this shit. You're probably right, but then again I think about a lot of weird stuff when I don't want to be at's what the Muppet Babies taught me.

P.S. Going to try a little quote contest for anyone who actually takes the time to read my musings, because what good is all this random dribble without a little fun to boot. First to comment on the right source material for this quote gets a gold star. "Why they changed it, I can't say. People just liked it better that waaaaay!"


Doc Remedy said...

Man that makes me go back.....all the way to Istanbul :) Not Constantinople however.

Mike said...

Gold Star awarded!