Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Worktime Randomness Version 2.0

Superpowers are an interesting topic of conversation. They can really give someone an insight into how that person truly wishes they could act. If you want to know a lot about that person, ask them if they could have any superpower what would it be.

Sure comic books geeks like myself may overanalyze and try to come up with some sort of power that has multiple uses that have been defined before in some sort of comic universe (i.e. using telekinesis can also give you the ability to fly is you focus on moving yourself) and maybe that's an indictment that the geeks of the world have to try and take as much as they can if given something.

Let's take a look at someone who would choose super strength. Now granted, like most superpowers, super strength would come in handy. Being able to move objects no mortal should be able to move is something which man has been trying to replicate for eons with simple designs like fulcrums and levers to complex thing like cranes and other construction equipment. But why would someone choose super strength? Most likely they would associate the strength with someone such as Superman...but the only difference is, who would actually use a super strength gift for doing good deeds in the world? My bet is that people who would take super strength fall into the realm of two different people. The first would be the bully you knew growing up. The guy who always believed that as long as he could beat someone up he could win any arguement put in front of him. Now the second would be the exact opposite of that, the kid who got beat up in grade school. The bullies of the world generally aren't too intelligent and believe that the strength is just a natural extension of their presumed awesomeness, but the guy that got bullied...well therein lies something darker, more dangerous than any bully. You see the bullied kids are really the ones you have to be afraid of because, when we are young a lot of how we deal with things are instilled in us during our formidable years in grammar school and even high school. If a kid who is constantly bullied all the time is the typical kid like that, they won't stand up against the bully...because of fear of getting their ass kicked again. Thus a lot of pent up hostility builds inside this person, and unless they have maybe a proper outlet for it (i.e. some sort of outdoor activity or even a real violent video game) it can cause a serious problem. Now take that child, and give him the strength of 1,000 bullies and see exactly what he does with it. I can almost guarantee that it wouldn't be pretty. In fact, make matters worse and put that kid back in high school, and see what would happen. I, for one, would make sure I was friends with the kids who were bullied...just to be on the safe side. Now I know what you are thinking, what about heroes like Superman and Spider-man, who had superhuman strength in high school? There are obvious exceptions to the rule and I'm not saying every kid that is bullied would turn into a crazed roid rage freak, but even the good kids like Peter Parker and Clark Kent had their moments where they would use only a slight hint of their strength to embarrass a Flash Thompson type bully. So not everyone is perfect.

Anyone who would choose invisibility is quite frankly a pervert. They just want to be able to sneak into places that they aren't allowed (i.e. locker rooms, dressing rooms, etc.) Anyone who says anything to the contrary is a liar.

Telepathy is also an interesting choice. I mean who wouldn't want to know what someone is thinking, especially if you were say, a lawyer, or someone who's relationship was falling apart or something akin to that. But telepathy is quite possibly one of the most dangerous abilities to have. Look at Charles Xavier, for instance. Professor X is probably one of the most powerful characters in the entire Marvel Universe simply because he can enter anyone's mind he wishes, barring a specially designed helmet (i.e. Magneto and Juggernaut) and do whatever he wishes. If Xavier simply just wanted to find out what you were holding in a game of Hold 'Em or make you think you were a pretty ballerina, he could do it without moving a muscle. Granted Xavier is an enlightened enough individual to not let these abilities of his go to his head, but someone like Matt Parkman from Heroes...well let's just say that he isn't as noble. This is one of the reason I think Heroes is such an amazing show as it really takes the flaws that normal humans have and show how they can abuse their gifts for their own well being. Matt can force someone to talk in an interrogation room. Claire can fake dying to make a drunk cheerleader rival seem crazy. Hiro can time travel to try and fix anything that has gone wrong in his life. And Peter...well he can basically do whatever the fuck he wants. You know in hindsight as I'm writing this, maybe Heroes was the reason I decided to go off on the evils that could happen if you ask someone what superpower they would have.

As for me...I've given this a lot of thought, but my superpower would be always able to find a terrific parking spot.

Sports movies are a lot of fun to watch...but not terribly realistic. For instance, I've still never been able to tell if Henry Rowengartner and Rick Vaughn were starters, middle relievers, or closers. And believe me I've seen these movies a lot. Also why does it always seem that the starters we've been picked to cheer for (i.e. Chet Stedman or Tony Danza) can always seemingly pitch complete games. I mean there's never an interesting cut scene looking for a guy to eat up two or three innings even when a loss is assured for the team, or no setup guys or closers warming in the pen. That being said, I'm going to do something that's a bit weird. I'm going to have a fantasy sports draft...not for any sport in particular, just a top ten list if you will of who I would pick for any various sports teams that I would be running.

1. Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez - Yeah Benny is my number one draft pick simply because the man can do no wrong on a Sandlot. He can play every position and can literally find any spot in the outfield he wants to hit a ball to. Plus he crushed the guts out of a have to respect the Jet Power.

2. Adam Sandler - Now I know Adam is a real person, but I'm talking just his general body of work in movies. He won big games for The Mean Machine and the Bourbon Bowl for the Mud Dogs, the man is an avid golfer with a huge drive, and a very mediocre hockey player. He can apply a really tight sleeper hold, has coached peewee basketball, plus he seems to have an extensive martial arts and boxing background, and he kills mother fuckers on a dodgeball court. If there was ever truly a new Bo Jackson, Adam Sandler would be it....and oh yeah he could also sing at halftime.

3. Air Bud - No one will tackle a dog or be bale to box him out. I rest my case.

4. Becky "The Ice Box" O'Shea - She's Lawrence Taylor with tits folks, she was able to singlehandedly stop Spike Hammersmith, a man who is able to drag opposing players while still running at full speed. Plus....she's pretty hot now.

5. Henry Rowengartner - This draft pick seems obvious simply because of the heater he can throw and his obvious skills as a cheerleader from the bench. But this comes with an asterisk, it would have to be for the American League...I don't want and "pitcher's got a big butt" chants on my team.

6. Matthew/Martha - Now I know as Americans we don't really regard soccer as an actual sport. It's merely a past time that parents subject their children to when they are younger to make sure they eat plenty of oranges and actually wake up before noon on Saturdays. But Matthew is essentially like the Kobe Bryant of soccer, he is extremely skilled and once he learns to make his teammates better especially the very underratedly hot Penny Pester, there's no one on the field that can touch him. Plus...he is a master of disguise.

7. Adam Banks - Yes he may be a cake eater, and he may not have any charisma whatsoever...nor does he get the cheesy overtone music when he does something good. But he is the skill player that doesn't draw a lot of attention you need on any good team.

8. Lola Bunny - Sure...she wasn't the MVP of the Tune Squad as that title obviously belonged to Michael Jordan. And granted she's probably not as durable considering Bugs took a dive for her, but she is a cartoon character which gives her longevity, and she is a relative unknown but obviously has an extensive athletic background. And all you have to do is encourage opponents to call her "doll."

9. Willy Mays Hayes - He plays like Mays and he runs like Hayes, plus we have a very big budget for black batting gloves. He also did a movie with "The Governing Body" Jesse Ventura (yes, I'm going to pitch that idea to him...eventually), so you have to respect that.

10. Rudy - Everyone loves an underdog baby. Plus he got to play what two or three plays maximum, I'd utilize him better than that.

Honorable Mentions: Shane Falco, Rod Tidwell, Coop Cooper, Hayley Graham, Kate Peach

As far as a coach, it's a tough call between Gordon Bombay, Lou Brown, and Herman Boone. But I'd have to take Boone as my head coach with Brown as the assistant coach. Bombay can easily be distracted by a hot blonde, and if Boone takes football nut Hayden Panitierre with him (which he will), then Bombay is no use to me. General Manager of the team would be Jimmy McGinty because he isn't afraid to take chances on guys who have failed in the he finds guys that are "wiry." And my announce team would consist of Harry Doyle and Jim Ross, the wealth of knowledge and humor they would provide would be amazing.

Well I think that's all for this blog post this time around, feel free to comment if you disagree with any of my thoughts and musings. Oh and a gold star goes to one Mr. Doc Remedy who identified last week's quote as being from "Istanbul to Constantinople" by They Might Be Giants and from a Tiny Toons music video (which is out on DVD now, buy it if you have any semblance of a childhood).

This week's quote is an easier one I'd think: "37? I'm 37?" Gold star to the first one who comments with the correct answer.

Happy blogging kids.

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